Sunday, July 30, 2017

Keep Going

Above, is a picture of yours truly. On my back and to my side are my children, Elijah and Lila. It's amazing what you get to experience as a parent through the eyes of your children. I learn more and more about the fragile fabric of life we all have been given. However, this appreciation was nowhere to be found just shy of four years ago.
Before I found out i was having my first born, I had actually split with his mom. We had treated each other poorly in our relationship and were better off apart than together, but a week into her pregnancy, she told me she was expecting. Not knowing what to do with the news, we decided to rekindle the relationship for our child. Sure things were never really the same after the split, keep in mind this wasn't the first time this has happened, but we wanted to see if we could be happy together through our child. He was born in March 23rd, 2014. Four months later, we realized that keeping the relationship wasn't ideal for him so we, agreeingly, seperated, for good. The relationship didn't end in fire and flames, it just ended. This should've been a great p forward in being a mature adult, but I took the break up with everything I had. Her and I had been together for two, going on three, years and that fist moment of living alone was heart breaking. I had my son every other week which helped full that silence, but the other weeks were devastating. I eventually decided that being alone wasn't an option, but never really wanted to fill the void of love. I started smoking both cigarettes and pot, which were a big "no no" in my previous life because my mom raised me better, but it helped null the sound and numb the pain. I made any sexual encounter obvious, that every encounter was strictly physically and never emotional. Most of the women were surprisingly okay with that notion.
It wasn't until I realized that my own self worth was very low. I threw myself at any women who'd have me and drowned out the remainder of my days with a dash of drinking and alot allot of smoking. No longer did I recognize the person I had become. I wasn't the only one who saw this downward transformation. My son's mom, who has known me, inside and out, for years took the proper precautions to protect our child and kept him from me. She never did it out of spite or hate, but concern for me and our child.
Most things that alot of broken couples, who have children, forget to do is make sure the child is always happy, safe and provided for. Once a couple has a child, it becomes a custody battle of who is better than the other. That's not the correct environment for a mentally safe child! If one parent is verbally bashing the other parent in front of the child, just because they don't agree on a little thing aside from the Child's well being, they are inadvertently teaching their child how to hate the other parent. Something my son's mom and I understand is, this is no longer about us. We decided to create a life and we are going to do our best in making sure he lives that life to the fullest and best. I still love my ex, as a person and as the mother to my son. I could never wish any ill feeling on her or her family. Yes, she and I are both married to two separate people and have children with those individuals. The four of us get along swimmingly. We even help one another when it comes to the kids. I have watched their daughter and they have watched mine. We are ALL FRIENDS. The past is the past and our children are the future!
I'm getting off track.
After the excessive amount of women and the drowning of pain, I knew that this was it. This was where I knew my story ended. I sat down one evening and write out a note to all those who I felt were the closest to me, explaining my every thought and every concern for what will come after this note. I wrote to my son, my parents, my siblings, my close friends and finished simply "reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there", a quote from the song "The Real World" by Owl City.
Following the note's sign off, I went to my bathroom and swallowed anything I could: pain relievers, sleeping pills, you name it and slowly shifted my feet into my bedroom where I physically believed would be my resting ground. I pulled out my phone ans gave a social goodbye to my friends on Facebook, fell back and went to sleep.
To my unwanted surprise, I woke up in the hospital, a dozen different messages filled my phone and my mom was sitting bedside while a doctor explained that I failed to overdose due to my excessive weight. Yes, that's right. I was too far to die.
Since I had been checked into this hospital with attempted suicide, i had no choice, but, by law, spend seventy-two hours in a stress unit, which I did and met some very simple minded, beautiful and hurtful souls. The food, however was fantastic as well.
Once I paid my dues, I got out and that same depressing feeling crept back over me. I had to do something about it. Thankfully, for my cousin, who offered me company and a place to stay, I got on the right track. It was a slow start, but living with him was the exact boost I needed to get everything in order. I eventually met my wife, a good paying job and our first apartment and ultimately had our daughter and got married. It's a short story, believe me, but it's for another time.
The moral of this story is obvious in its title: Keep Going. Life gets rough and outside forces are going to drag you down, but know that your e life has more worth than what is reflected in the moment. Your family, your friends, your children have to also live with the consequences. Even if you're not struggling, look for someone who is. More times than not, those people just need someone to listen and to understand and know that they are not alone in this world and that they are not the only ones carrying this burden. Depression is a serious thing and should NOT be taken with a grain of rice.
If you are reading this, please know that this isn't the end. This is just the beginning. Once one door closes, another one opens. Who knows what or who is on the other side. I appreciate and give all my love, accordingly to those for my uphill struggles. Without them, I wouldn't be living the life I have today with the wonderful things I have and I certainly wouldn't be the father I am without their wisdom and support.
One last from, again, Owl City, the band who helped me through life's ups and downs come from a song simply and appropriately titled: "This Isn't the End"
"When the rain falls down, when it all turns around, when the light goes out, this isn't the end"
Take one last breath, look around and feel hopeful for the days that follow.
Keep going, my friends

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